You are a Pakistani national and now you wish to terrorize the US. How should you go about it ? Lets see, the most effective way for you would be to cross into the “friendly” neighbour country, India (here they let terrorists enter easily, remember Kasab et al.?). Here you romance, seduce and marry a Hindu girl, only make sure that you find one who has a job in New York (may Allah be with you)… Once married, tag along with her to the US (on a spousal visa, for which, er, you’ll need an Indian passport. Overlook this for the moment)! Now that you are in the US, you don’t go about terrorizing the Americans right away. First you get a job teaching Islamic Studies at an Ivy League University and get yourself called a Professor (apart from giving you some pocket money, this job will make you a cool terrorist. [To get the job you will need to have an excellent academic, teaching and publishing record. Also, what about a working visa? But again please overlook these for the moment and stay with me]). Now as you do long hours at the University, you let your new wife slowly discover that you are, well, a terrorist (how do you do that – put her in a trance make her stupid enough to walk into the neighbours’ house in the dead of the night, and, once she’s is there, have the neighbours discuss some big terror plans behind closed doors but loud enough for her to hear. Make her really dim so that she believes them and not laughs her head off… and then you make the ‘Im a Terrorist’ entry!). Professor Terrorist Dude. You realize you have done not much in the terror department since you left Pakistan; now you need to get on with it and terrorize people – so you start forking people to death (yeah! the cutlery) and as this much action does not seem enough you pick a dead body lying in your basement and drive it to dispose it somewhere (don’t allow anyone to say hey, hold on! why not dig a fcu*#g hole in the basement, bury the body there itself. Yeah make sure the neighbour-terrorists too are dim, very dim indeed). Give the wheels of the car carrying the corpse to the dimmest of them all, make sure he takes a street where there is police surveillance; on being stopped the driver must start to make alarmed faces leaving the Yankee officer with no option but to ask you two to step out of the vehicle. Your action part starts here, you kill a few policeman as a warm up to actual act of terrorizing the city. By doing so you would have given the police enough leads to have yourself and the terrorist neighbours nabbed. So trust your boss to come to rescue here – he decides to go for the kill right away. What do you do – you botch the whole thing up. No one is going to blame you though; it’s actually your wife who does you in. You see, the night before your D-day, she needed to get her hands on some terror information. She could have easily walked a few paces to the drawers in the living room where the papers with this information are kept. Instead this well-meaning but going dimmer-by-the-day soul takes a long circuited route (mildly recalls your own Pakistan-to-India and Find, Seduce & Marry NRI Girl routine). She first seduces you into going to bed with her, and as you sleep all tired, she tiptoes to the living room and gets the papers. The terror information is leaked out and you, on the other hand, get reminded how much you love her. As a result, none of the bombs go off in a way to do any real damage and all your terrorists friends get killed one by one. Again, not all of this is your fault. Some of your friends were dimwits, remember. They just forgot to blow themselves when they could easily have done so. Instead, they kept clicking their heels till the police could spot them,and then made a run, get caught and get killed. All of this should not worry you because when you reach the last fifteen minutes of the story no one is going to care any longer for the implausibilities on how you went about the job, they’ll be too absorbed just trying to catch up with the action. Only don’t let the climax action pause even for an instant for you would risk being tied in knots by the endless, gaudy contrivances that you story is filled with. Just one last thing, die smiling and we’ll make sure there is a massive publicity campaign supporting your story. Deal? Deal. Now go give it a try (may Allah be with you).
No comments:
Post a Comment